Lots of feelings, let me tell you about it

I'm not really sure where to begin this week. I'd be lying if I said it's been an easy one thus far. I arrived back home last Wednesday, after traveling with my core course for a few days. A separate post about that trip is coming soon, I promise! But since that whole experience, I've struggled to find my groove again. To put it simply, it's exhausting to have such high expectations of myself and what I should be doing; my brain is tired with a capital T. It's hard to stick to a routine when every week here looks a little different; it's hard to stay on top of everything when it feels like there's too much to do and also an apartment to clean; it's hard not to let body image issues creep in when I'm eating more and lifting less. I want to be perfectly okay with that so bad, but it's a lot easier said than done. It's hard to feel like I'm not doing enough; exhausting to make choices every day that benefit my mental health.

It's hard that my entire support system is an ocean away; that I can't go to therapy here; hard to feel alone. I know that I'm not, but I also know how comfortable I am with spending time by myself, and I have to work really hard to make sure I'm not falling into a hole. A lack of connection is my biggest trigger for loneliness. But it's really hard when my brain tells me to get out of the house and see people, while my gut is telling me how much easier it would be to cancel my plans, stay home alone, and rot.

I guess you could say my vacation phase of this trip is coming to an end, and I miss my home (just a little). I knew this would happen. I knew I would get sad and anxious; I knew I would feel like I'm stuck here. But it never fails to hit me like a truck.

Regardless of how I'm feeling at this moment, I documented a day last week where I felt the complete opposite: peaceful, rested, and content. Although I'm showing you two sides of the same coin, know that they can both exist simultaneously, and it happens all of the time. This day was a reminder of the things that make me feel 1% better.

Thursday started off how it typically does, with a cup of tea and an outfit that makes me feel (somewhat) put together. This is May's sweater, and I wear it all the time. I threw in a couple of loads of laundry, made my bed, and headed out the door.

My mornings have a couple of other non-negotiables, including coffee (after tea and/or water), eating some sort of carb, and going outside. One of the first things my psychiatrist ever said to me was that I should be eating breakfast outside, even if the sun isn't out. Breathing in fresh air within the first hour of waking up is supposed to be good for you (shocking, I know). I sat down at my favorite coffee shop, felt the wind on my face, and enjoyed my sourdough toast with fresh blueberry jam.

After inhaling that in approximately three minutes, I walked to the mailbox. This is another one of my favorite things to do. I love mail and I love sending mail and receiving mail and also I love the post office. I ended up at the grocery store a few minutes later, stocking the fridge back up after being gone for a while.

Loooook at that fridge 😍 So fresh so clean!

Another part of the post-trip reset: eating safe foods! Food exhaustion in environments I can't control is so real. I made some pasta (recipe from Mom), veggies and fruit galore. Did a few more errands– refill on green tea, dish soap, etc., and a good ole deep clean of my apartment. Despite common feelings about this activity, I thoroughly enjoy cleaning. Sooo satisfying.

Somewhere in there, my afternoon slipped away from me. I spent at least a few hours cleaning and finishing laundry. Took a couple of FaceTime breaks in the middle :)

Evening yoga, a good stretch, complimentary tea (my fav part)

Came home to find Andreas cooking steak, so I joined him and a few friends outside for dinner. I was happy to contribute a salad, in exchange for a ribeye and some pasta.

More comfort food to end the night. Nothing mint chip and a cup of tea can't fix. Feeling 1% better after writing this. Thanks for spending this day with me ❤️

LUMI*,

Clara

*love u, mean it